Part 2: Sod off, lousy faux-green charlatans

-Excuse me while I urinate on this vehicle.

-Beg your pardon?

-I am going to urinate on this vehicle, so mind where you stand.

-Sir, I don't think --

-It deserves it.

-It really wouldn't be appropriate of you to --

-*unzips* Mighty fine shoes you've got on. Are those eco-friendly, too?

-Why are you so persistent? This vehicle has done nothing to warrant such treatment.

-It has decals suggesting it is an eco-friendly vehicle.

-Being green is a good thing. With global climate change -- Hey! Watch out!

-Sorry, I was aiming for the wheel arches. I need to lean back to get enough height.

-You can at least agree it is noble of GM to make the effort.

-I would not urinate on a noble effort; therefore, this mustn't be one.

-It gets the same mileage in the city as a Toyota Camry; for its size, that is a feat.

-Economy ratings of gasoline-electric hybrid vehicles are horribly optimistic because economy tests are performed during ideal weather conditions on a closed course with a warm car. When you consider the engine needs to warm up (and remain warm at all times) and is charged with the responsibility of keeping the batteries charged, you can expect the engine to be running significantly more often in reality than the economy run figures suggest.

- Ah, but this model has a regenerative braking system that converts kinetic energy back into electricity during braking.

- Regenerative brakes only operate during the first modicum of brake application; the rest is handled by the four-wheel discs. This is especially relevant in high performance electric vehicles (the one now sporting my name in cursive is not an example of this) because energy recovery via regenerative braking is simply non-existent during periods of enthusiastic driving.

- Why not urinate on the standard gasoline model, then? Conceivably you would consider it worse than this one.

- The standard gasoline model has the same 6.0L V8 as this (sans the electric motor); however, the standard model, with its seven seats (rearmost two an ergonomic disaster) and two tonne curb weight, makes no illusions about what it is -- a city-dwelling chrome clad pseudo-offroader for the arrogant, tasteless, useless and usually oblivious driver more concerned with cell phone bills than gasoline bills.

- Granted....

- This version, now smelling less "new car" and more "eau de toilette," is a symbol of that arrogance. It is slathered in green-and-chrome "hybrid" badges; I have seen block-letter "hybrid" decals on some examples running the length of the door sills. And this is understandable because full-size luxury SUV drivers are concerned about one thing only: Image. Some will contest this fact, but know, dear floor rep, they are mistaken. Image is their only concern. And the term "hybrid" does as much for the image of a vehicle as the word "Burgundy" does for wine. Yes, it tastes like the sole of a Nike sneaker that had just extinguished a hobo's cigarette, but that must be a good thing. Likewise, yes, it is a vehicle of completely unreasonable proportions, and yes it is the anti-Christ of the eco-activist community, but oh! It's a hybrid. Wonderful purchase, it's so glamourous.

- And you are concerned people are overstating the green-merits of hybrid vehicles?

- Hybrids pollute more, and get worse fuel mileage than, conventional diesel cars.

- Why not make a diesel-electric hybrid?

- Diesels are more expensive to build (relative to similarly sized gasoline engines) and are usually turbocharged, further adding to the price; if you tack on the cost of a hybrid system (~$5k, at the very least), you can reasonably expect no reasonable person to pay the unreasonable premium for said hybrid variant.

- Why are hybrids so popular, then?

- Hybrids allow automakers to promote an eco-conscious image and tout their green credentials without having to invest unreasonable sums of money in developing entirely new drive trains. While clean diesel technology is vastly superior to hybrid technology in every quantifiable way, the stigma of fossil fuel-powered cars means automakers simply cannot garner the same green authority by only developing diesel systems. The logic is simple: The less time a car is running, the greener it is; hybrids can run without the engine, therefore it is a green car. And the automakers are making no effort to dispel this fallacy. I'm just about done here.

- I can't believe you're still going.

- I've got about half left. I need to find a plug-in electric car without railings around it. *zips up*

- Surely electric cars are green, even I can tell you why. While the energy they use needs to be produced somewhere, i.e. power plants, the energy that powers the grid is produced with twice the efficiency of an internal combustion engine. That's like halving the fuel consumption.

- That is absolutely true, which is why electric cars will make a decent "transition" technology.

- How do you mean?

- The automotive world can only have one energy standard because cars must be suitable for trips of every magnitude -- long distances and routine short commutes. *unzips* Electric cars are only suitable for the latter, and as much as we love the idea of zipping around via little electric motors, battery technology is unreasonable as a means of practical energy storage. Thus, between gasoline and its successor, we can expect the plug-in electric vehicle (EV) to act as an intermediate while we sort out the specifics of a far superior technology. It will never become the industry standard, I can assure you.

- Given the amount of resources being put into the R&D of battery technology, we are bound to see significant gains made in EV range and charging characteristics. Wouldn't this give plug-in EVs the chance of becoming the industry standard?

- See, the major concern is for regions where electricity is a scarce, unreliable, or expensive commodity. Developing nations are under significant pressure to become clean, industrialized countries. If developed nations adopt an alternative like plug-in electric technology for our automotive needs, we run the risk of leaving the third world in a conundrum -- making the choice between mobilizing their population or focusing on incredibly expensive, difficult infrastructure development. Moreover, there is no real reason to expect battery technology to improve dramatically in the next short while -- we only wish it would.

- I see. So hybrid technology and plug-in EV technology are both dead ends. Their green credentials are wildly overstated, and are nowhere near what one can consider a reasonable alternative to the good stuff. Now I understand why you so deeply resent the leaf decals sported by the hybrids dotting the venues of this auto show. Simply put, the automotive world is as environmentally conscious as a badger is kind spirited. It is the fallacy of green. Here, let me join you. *unzips* (Check it out -- rain-sensing windscreen wipers!)